I have to say this that i am extremely bothered by the many says of some people in my life but for all that it really is, i should simply just not be bother by it yet it does and it does to such an extend i feel i am so profoundly moved to renounce some parts of our own connections.

Well by being so,  i am perhaps over reacting but needless to say this is something that i should point out as somewhat prudently testing in my views, my dignity and especially in my terms as i am.

I am always someone who see it as the best as i can be, and i am happiest when i am in the lit of the lime, yes it is true i can be loud and abound by my says but when i meet another as such (i realize i am mild) . . . well i turn into someone else. Is it bad that i feel the way i do when someone notoriously bitches about me and embarrasses me of all that i am in the means to so call “cover” up the envy that one might have for me?

Truth being. . . i feel better typing the latter above, but it kills me sometimes knowing that i have this such in my life that i try so hard to rid. . .

I am somehow not too bought up by friendship and i am not too warmly satisfied by this arrangement. I always thought that the distance that we had would be this one perculiar bliss in out friendship but knowing that you may be close by in the coming months really shudder my own gut.

I am really looking forward for this year to unfold but knowing that this little glitch will seal it self to my life this 2012 onwards. . . and together with it sealing it self to all that is around me, is something i shiver thinking about it. I do need to rethink my goals and my perceptions because i can no longer be the simple lad that roams the city as it is, i now need a life that i can live separate.

What i find troubling is that the fact that one can be seemingly nice and seemingly “genuine” yet deep in my gut i feel there is something a mist. Why is it that this is around me. Well i do understand that things are different now and things do progress but we will still need to accept the fact that people do have feelings and being friends doesn’t quite give you the right to just step all over me, go after anyone and everything that i have.

I can say this, i feel Really annoyed.

Maybe 2012 will be a year, i start to draw the line.

Happy 2012 to all of you, may it be blissful and joyful unlike mine, though i am hopeful it will be a good one for me if only i chose to make the right move and the right choice.

Have a Good Year ahead ^^

I sometimes really wonder at the outcome of nothingness. I am more so stunned by the fact that nothing is really anything but something. I am never no one and never really somebody. You can say that i am taking the stand of anonymous but being anonymous itself states a figure and a name just that it is unknown or is it known?. It is a fact that exist and doesn’t at the same time.

We all want a life and because of this we dream of endless opportunities and we mirror our dreams to our lives. We now live in a world created from our own imagination and our dreams. We can well be sleeping while we are awake as this is something entirely man-made and more still fascinating as it can get: we contradict ourselves on the reality of this nature by it being naturally occurring?

How many out there had stood still to think for a while that the inspiration that we have is the next fantasy that will come by. This endless cycle will continue to be part of our lives because we are modern humans and what we do best is think. Or is it?

Unlike our past- we simply do as we can . . . but have anyone ever stopped to really think and realize that though we create the world that is today, we are all not that far from yesterday even though there are so many improvements and changes that had come by.

We live in a bubble and its one bubble that people go about like how plants go about and animals go about- which is to live. Our notion and creation of time itself to me had made it worst. More so that the anticipation of the next minute and the next hour proves the eagerness to get over the day; thus making the day itself worthless- what more time. With or without any form of productivity whatsoever over this course of motion is what we have become? The same?

It’s something that we can watch on national geographic or animal planet- how animals go about the day like how the sun go by the sky. What have we achieve? other than the movement that is filled with tech and the many works that are stress ailing and other clauses that are simple body degrading. I believe this is a primeval form- we do not know what is next outside this bubble- unknowingly ignorant

Some form of obliviousness.

I myself do not think out . . . and would rather sit and have a simple living. But why am i like this? Why must i decide on something that is simple? Or am i simply doing so because i know my life is a waste and would rather let it just wither away?

Would i risk it all for a chance to be different? or that the change it self, i do know very well is nothing more compared to this state? I feel there is this nothingness that keeps me moving and with this i feel nothing more than the life that is in me.

I do see that the times have come and go and i do see that i am not what i am to be, yet likely would i ever understand.

Why is it that sometimes being known is unknown and when it’s unknown its known? I consider this a form of irony and therefore i chose to give in.

Sometimes i wonder why. . .

Well what can you do when time catches up?

Keep moving. . . . 

There is something about me that is throbbing and this impatience is making me uneasy and increasingly depressed as this feeling not only made me think of all those that I am not suppose to think, and yet it goes all over my mind and soul that it feels like a highway that leads to no end other then the free fall over a cliff.

Sometimes i really wonder how had i come to this stage, a stage that ever longed and ever more wish it more, it feels like an infinity just by being me. I feel that my age do matter and my mind don’t. I feel my eyes are my feeling and my heart is my mind, and my mind are my desires- it all becomes the fuel to the endless dreams that it kept all my senses being. I am constantly hyped as if i was on a constant dose of drugs and this is more so easily expressed in my daily occasion that i just drift and to where i will drift? to the next horizon and the more over it.

Grass unfortunately not greener over those horizons . . . and if they were, I simply am not welcomed.

It does matter to me on why i have to make my self be in all these rising suns and all the eyes that i opened, the hearts I opened and the hearts i also buried. I feel i am always at war with my self, a war of conflict and of a desire that could not ceased to come to an end. I feel my life simply will not come to meet at any point as all in my being seems so parallel; never meeting and perhaps never will be.

This is the one thought that made me sour, i am soured because even rivers meet the sea, and even the smallest drops of waters will meet the sun, but the sweetest of dreams are never close to come to the flower that seek it to moist its petals, it simply flows and never meet it be.

Death is a days past, and new is simple a fresh- yet i am restless as i am still looking for you, the oceans are so vast and so full of the same substance that i am, but why can’t i reach to one, why can’t i find you as i am. I try my best to drink the anticipation and leave it far beyond my desires would say it be, i try to run away from all these as i try to look for you. Never am i there, sadder still – i never am taken for all that i am.

These rivers flow to the sea, though they do not meet along the way, but they do meet despite being on opposite ends, I always feel it is without doubt despite differences being in the ocean, is simply one. Yet i was wrong because for all that i can presume and say, I have never seen any other that have come so near.

I said it so many times before, yet i could not believe it less. I am not bullet proof though i wish i was, and i may look strapped in a vest solid and strong as i come to be, i simply bleed everyday from this many dreams that eat into my soul.

I am wounded by so many lives i had lived and put my self through. I am a soul gone from the eyes of life. i simply take my self as nothing more then this cruel being that simply wants the sun to only shine and never set, but sadly i never learn that the sun crosses the horizon every day and it will never be mine, yet i do always hope that everytime it passes me- i hope it so much so that it could smile and notice this little me, this me that wants alittle of that warmth to take me higher and higher, above all that is me.

Part of my life that could be pleased with this shine will perhaps be made more contented but its simply a metaphor that will never be met. It is a constant fiction that will make me an idealist that will fail to meet his dreams.

They say, fact is fiction and suspicion is the new religion..

It is unlikely i will be able to uphold that. I am a sinner for all i can say as i wake to dream. I never take fact for it being. I take fact by the dream it could. I don’t doubt my self and that is why i always know i am right. Sadly this is the one knife that cuts me inside. As I ever bleed as i fight the war and battles inside me from all that my open eyes and senses take.

Lately its hard to hear anymore, it is not because i cant, i simply am not all right. Because i know i am not right. I travel and i dont seem to arrive. Its never really enough to be alive, and never in love; I become restless. Why do i have to look for you? Why do i want to?

I have to really come to terms with my self to at least try to be more then this. I am not all right but at least i can drive, I can drive my self a way or follow the sun as it passes the horizon, and perhaps arrive at one end that would let me survive, let it lift me from this restlessness as i really wish i could stop looking for you, I simply want you to breath near me, feel you feel me, and be as together high as the ceiling of the skies above.

I do need you, but if i can never meet you, i hoped to travel to find another time to be looked for as I had looked for you.

I hope there is a way to say all these bundles in my mind, and i hope i can breath with all of the skies clear- freshly.

Blue skies as it is our day, and blue it soothes as the oceans of mystery it hold, blue as the days can be, blue to a comfort that in any river- they will one day meet in the ocean, like the certainty of the sun rising over the horizon of a new day.

Isn’t this beautiful? 

Cheers to love. 

I used to find that I walk with a reason and on a path I chose. I sometimes feel that it wasn’t so like what it used to be, I simply am not to sure why.

I seen that everyday I awake I tend to go through the same routine that is about working out and breakfast before a day of challenges at work.

I can say that my life has been less complicated and had settled so, I have a life that I can say I am living without a sense of realism because it flows like a stream of water.

I now feel I have lost what it takes for me to different or I just simply think it so. I feel numb and vague though there are alot of happenings in my that push forth in front of my eyes. They manifest themselves as a routine that I live, some powerful and strong.

I am not stressed with all these, just I feel I am just comfortable which frightens me. I am living a life of what I presumedly wanted. Security of a simple life made me feel uneasy.

Why I feel this way, I am not too certain and more would I wish I had more is something that only greed and gluttony could explain, but I don’t and I didn’t see my self going through that, my life is somehow brought forth on a path far different then what I have seen my self wanting.

Perhaps this is what I am to be, a simple man- like how I wish it be where I could concentrate on what’s important to me: which I am still searching.

Maybe that’s the one thing causing this hollowness …

I am without a love.

This is a MV by Pixie Lott- cry me out. Why are sad songs always appealing ? Its just because we are always sad. . . . the past revisited – SIGH!~

oh well~

Here i do say and here i am said to be, as this is a realm that i be as bitter and sweet as i can, but what can i say more other then me being simply the way i am. Let me simply define an intention that exist in a mind frequent and obscure for these moments are simply constant.

Let me tell you that in every reality of truth there is a fantasy that match it in ways many would hoped it be, yet we are simply not able to realize it and undertake the reality of it.

I can say that the sex and the lives of a city and the prudent judgemental-ism that people get from their lives made me feel so disconnected and partly embarrassed why of which i can tell that not everyone is anyone and besides who ever said who you are as who they are.

I once was laughing at lives of people other than me and this i can say is something that i now ironically see in my self, but likely would i ever change much, because somehow, i would rather time makes me be, i cannot define anymore of my desires and wishes because all i can see are simple constant neglect and regret, I am more incline to work as such as i am and as it is, because it suits what i feel now and never more.

I sometimes do hope that i can be amazing, and rewarding in ways that defines the world that only a lustful material world of existence, yet let me say this-  a moment in desire is like in angst which is simply a moment that is of revenge and this is simply something that cannot be fed constantly because if it does, it will grow to a point of no return.

A word that says the lives of ours is not a life of one nor any is something that ponders me. I see that things and feelings come to be easy and there is a part that makes lives more of any less important but at the same time- it is simply somewhat a desire that can cease to be like a dream once awoken.

I see that the world this is, is a world that do not exist, but if i take my self like a boat ride on a river of time, i believe i live forever in the eternity that it brings.

I do not ponder how times works anymore or any term for a continued lust for success but i do ponder why is it that i feels long and more to come whenever i sit down. This i can only look at from my view point that the entire sky is simply a sky that feeds what i want to see

A mind that just wouldn’t die and simply continue to live. In dreams or in reality .. .

I am immortal as you are. . . we see and we feel but what we would believe is eternal, if you so let your self just sit on that boat on that river, and just float in it with it for as you are.

Taken or taken for granted. . .  it’s really goes around.

Wow ayumi! this is really hot! and GOOD!

^^

Can we believe and know our self so well that we are our own self. Can we believe in our own reflection as how we believe in our judgement? Is it truly our selves? or simply just a reflection that exist from the analysis that makes our’s an image in our minds. Is it an illusion? 

Can we be confident enough to exist because we are who that reflection looks back at, instead of an analysis that is made up into a visual in the mind- an illusion. The reality that simply do not exist. 

I do know someone, who simply do not exist in his own true live. He speaks as if he had walked this earth countless times over and had seen it all from the deepest veins that run through his body. He felt as if it was somehow a grown man in a child’s body, and this was what he felt as he grow up in that young body and from those times onwards, he saw the life he went through like no other.

Rarely did he joined anyone, nor would he bother much because he did see that it is about a waste of his time, yet he goes through the day in his laze on the bed, looking at every corner and thinking of the wonders and also dream of a reality that he could not fully understand, it seems that he somehow saw a past and a future but was vaguely in existence.

I remembered him as someone who simply just spent time on his own, never really wanting too much time to divulge all he had in his mind and all he had been through.  He simply just go as it goes and shoots back at anyone with a tone that many see as sarcasm and an egoistic persona. It must have hurt being a parent to him, and it ruined those around him’s esteem.

Truth be, he was someone who felt he knew so much as if his soul is the one entity that exist from an infinite. This gave him so much sense that nothing else ever mattered, he was someone who didn’t bothered because he knew better that by being too bothered made him less important, where else being the way he is; made so much difference because he achieve so much by doing so little and knowing so much at a young lad made him someone who simply exist out of an instance that he simply felt he didn’t fit in.

He was constantly contemplating his own existence, and he always looked at ways that would made him leave, or to move forward in terms of his life and status. He was someone who had no values in his life, because it is felt deep inside him that it has been far too long and mostly in spite of him breathing, in spite of him alive, he wished he slept and he wish he stayed there gazing. As he knew that from those points in his life be it in his sleep or his day dream- he saw him self exist in a reality that just did not suit this life.

He simply would want to dream.

He made the most out of his dream, and from this old life he felt he wanted to pursue a life that he always had- a life of control and demands. It is something that has enthused his own mind to simply want more and more from the littlest of lives that he cling to.

He walked with pride, because he knew less

He walked with trust, because he only had that

He walked with a glow, because he is beautiful

He walked with his head held high, because he knew everyone was not him

Nothing to him was a problem, because for all his life- he talked it all out like it was something that he had knew far to long, and the understanding he had was because he simply knew it.

Nothing to him was an issue, and nothing could destroy him. He knew what pain was because he him self was beaten by his mother and from those moments of where traditional discipline he saw scales of snakes and dark red eyes of the serpent that coil around him when he was in those times of distress. From those childhood days, he vowed to never looked at his own mother as a flower but as a snake that simply made his life worst.

This made him drift further away from his mother as he set himself a side. He made a point that in what he is not good at, he did not bother; where else in what he is good at, he made sure he is very good at it. And in communication with his own mother he is not good at. . . . he simply let it drift away to which to this day, he made no effort to grasp it back.

He moved from a boy to a teenager and to a man, and all through a series of successful desires that came true. He wanted to complete his studies his own way and he did, he wanted to command a society he did, he wanted to take on an ambition he did and he wanted to make a living for a passion he almost did.

He walked so highly and so proudly that he saw no one, and from that he was a loner and from that he felt a loss that could not be comprehended. Good friends are his best substitute to his non-understanding family, his friends were his family but in all his charm as a confident person, he knows no one; no love.

Therefore the closeness of my eyes that I foresee is just the realism that I cannot be less judgmental. I wake and I awake but it’s just something that I should not comprehend anymore. So it’s just Like the alarm, it will ring as it is set to ring. Yet to Which it is to be stop it’s either I awaken or it will snooze.

A drift it is and it goes on for all I can see so.

But to make it stable. It’s just me who can decide. I met real good people in my life and all it takes is just this fact that exist in my life.

A smile a day is a smile.. But what’s more I can do is to keep it up as I now am blank like a soul lost in eternity.

Linger as I shall now. I am a man of words of which I see my self fit, a figure submersible in a world forever in black and white.

This is me and light is not a matter of a fact but the reality I am.

A failure or a disaster but all it takes is a motion. … For me

Its sometimes wondering to be able to understand the fact that this is me, this is me taking this one step and another and another. Moving forward to a part of my life that i may not have known. I have set my self on a journey but to where? I am unsure of it to be, I am currently not at the junction of the road not taken or to be taken, I am now on the highway that has many exits that are not marked and I walked it all. . .

I simply move as i breath? or should i take into account of what are those exist and the content they may all have. Or should i just take this path that i am on and see to where it brings me to, certainly it has an ending and certainly it has a point . . .  but what if it is an infinity and i would be in this same old loop for eternity?

Am i putting my self in the advance of my desires or am i putting my self in the seat of my desires? I simply have no answer. I am simply unknown to the fact of certainty today and more so that i simply exist as i breath and and i walk.

I have no more sense in my life that exist to keep me alive, i am not yet a human perhaps a soul lost in the search of his own life.

I find that the more i walk, the more i want to find something, but to what it is ? I cannot answer my self, i move as i move, and i walk as i walk, faster pace or slower as i can get, though seldom so do i do that, i just sense my own true being is just a pace that i cannot yet set.

Am i too young to be able to see that my life is certainly not about the walks of life that i need to take, but perhaps this is something that is a desire that is not yet fulfill.

I once wanted to walk in pride, and filled with the passion that i exist for, but what is my passion? what can i do to keep on living and not wanting to walk off a cliff the minute i see on edging at the cape that falls to the rocks below.

I want to live for a love, that i can desire and love always. To  my love that i know, it is the light that exist in the day sky that is everyday. I see light in the dark as the moon and the star shines, but i want to be able to have this light for all i can live for because all i desire is something that cannot be materialistic but of the sense of a love that can be found in a vague reality.

Be it an idea or be it a person, all i can say is that i desire this one true sense that nothing could be any better then being just with that one. All i can say is that life for me is something that cannot be described anymore and i cannot be any less desirable in my search of my ambitions, because for all its worth: nothing is worth it if i walk alone.

What better way to go through this long walk, if you have a good company and a good mind that makes all the pains of our poor souls have to endure, as the times tic to which it has no ending. . . .

I would love to walk for this and more, but i would like to walk with you. Whom ever you may be. . .  I would walk with you and perhaps holding on to one another with a smile as we see time take its time.