There is something about me that is throbbing and this impatience is making me uneasy and increasingly depressed as this feeling not only made me think of all those that I am not suppose to think, and yet it goes all over my mind and soul that it feels like a highway that leads to no end other then the free fall over a cliff.
Sometimes i really wonder how had i come to this stage, a stage that ever longed and ever more wish it more, it feels like an infinity just by being me. I feel that my age do matter and my mind don’t. I feel my eyes are my feeling and my heart is my mind, and my mind are my desires- it all becomes the fuel to the endless dreams that it kept all my senses being. I am constantly hyped as if i was on a constant dose of drugs and this is more so easily expressed in my daily occasion that i just drift and to where i will drift? to the next horizon and the more over it.
Grass unfortunately not greener over those horizons . . . and if they were, I simply am not welcomed.
It does matter to me on why i have to make my self be in all these rising suns and all the eyes that i opened, the hearts I opened and the hearts i also buried. I feel i am always at war with my self, a war of conflict and of a desire that could not ceased to come to an end. I feel my life simply will not come to meet at any point as all in my being seems so parallel; never meeting and perhaps never will be.
This is the one thought that made me sour, i am soured because even rivers meet the sea, and even the smallest drops of waters will meet the sun, but the sweetest of dreams are never close to come to the flower that seek it to moist its petals, it simply flows and never meet it be.
Death is a days past, and new is simple a fresh- yet i am restless as i am still looking for you, the oceans are so vast and so full of the same substance that i am, but why can’t i reach to one, why can’t i find you as i am. I try my best to drink the anticipation and leave it far beyond my desires would say it be, i try to run away from all these as i try to look for you. Never am i there, sadder still – i never am taken for all that i am.
These rivers flow to the sea, though they do not meet along the way, but they do meet despite being on opposite ends, I always feel it is without doubt despite differences being in the ocean, is simply one. Yet i was wrong because for all that i can presume and say, I have never seen any other that have come so near.
I said it so many times before, yet i could not believe it less. I am not bullet proof though i wish i was, and i may look strapped in a vest solid and strong as i come to be, i simply bleed everyday from this many dreams that eat into my soul.
I am wounded by so many lives i had lived and put my self through. I am a soul gone from the eyes of life. i simply take my self as nothing more then this cruel being that simply wants the sun to only shine and never set, but sadly i never learn that the sun crosses the horizon every day and it will never be mine, yet i do always hope that everytime it passes me- i hope it so much so that it could smile and notice this little me, this me that wants alittle of that warmth to take me higher and higher, above all that is me.
Part of my life that could be pleased with this shine will perhaps be made more contented but its simply a metaphor that will never be met. It is a constant fiction that will make me an idealist that will fail to meet his dreams.
They say, fact is fiction and suspicion is the new religion..
It is unlikely i will be able to uphold that. I am a sinner for all i can say as i wake to dream. I never take fact for it being. I take fact by the dream it could. I don’t doubt my self and that is why i always know i am right. Sadly this is the one knife that cuts me inside. As I ever bleed as i fight the war and battles inside me from all that my open eyes and senses take.
Lately its hard to hear anymore, it is not because i cant, i simply am not all right. Because i know i am not right. I travel and i dont seem to arrive. Its never really enough to be alive, and never in love; I become restless. Why do i have to look for you? Why do i want to?
I have to really come to terms with my self to at least try to be more then this. I am not all right but at least i can drive, I can drive my self a way or follow the sun as it passes the horizon, and perhaps arrive at one end that would let me survive, let it lift me from this restlessness as i really wish i could stop looking for you, I simply want you to breath near me, feel you feel me, and be as together high as the ceiling of the skies above.
I do need you, but if i can never meet you, i hoped to travel to find another time to be looked for as I had looked for you.
I hope there is a way to say all these bundles in my mind, and i hope i can breath with all of the skies clear- freshly.
Blue skies as it is our day, and blue it soothes as the oceans of mystery it hold, blue as the days can be, blue to a comfort that in any river- they will one day meet in the ocean, like the certainty of the sun rising over the horizon of a new day.
Isn’t this beautiful?
Cheers to love.
